Do you ever just stare at yourself in the mirror? Ever look so deep into your own eyes that you can feel yourself looking into your own soul?
Here I am, sitting on the bathroom counter like a 12 year old, staring into my once youthful face. Under the perfectly done makeup facade is an old woman, aged by bearing and raising 5 kids. The lines show even when I pull my hair back into a tight chignon.
When did this happen to me? I remember a similar day so many lifetimes ago. I sat on a bathroom counter, fingers and toes pained perfectly and I sat studying the young face in the mirror. In this moment I was a child about to become a woman. In just a few short hours I would marry my Matthew.
'Mom, mom! Matthew asked me to marry him!" I remember tearing into the house elated, excited and scared all at once. My ever stoic mother reminded me to stop yelling in the house, then she gave me a proper gentle hug and said congratulations. I know she was raised to never show her feelings, but really? In this moment couldn't she at least pretend to be happy? Mom always kept her emotions in check. I love my mom, but that doesn't make us close. I don't understand her, I know that I am a disappointment to her, a failure. I love you mom, I wish you knew me. I wish you could like the me underneath all this garbage I project to the world.
The Decision
Here I am, alone again. The hours add up to infinity, I suffer but I no longer cry. There is nothing left in me. So much has brought me to this point, so much and so little. So much sadness and disappointment, so little dreams realized. So little...me.
Am I being scandalous or brave? What will people say? In my mind it all makes sense and I hope it does for you. It's time I take a stand for me, to take control of my life. If I don't do this now, I may lose my courage.
Will you come with me? I invite you to peek inside my private life, to see behind the walls, to seek out the unseen, the unspoken. Some of what you experience in my life will amuse you, some will leave you with more questions, but I assure you, you will not be disappointed.
Am I being scandalous or brave? What will people say? In my mind it all makes sense and I hope it does for you. It's time I take a stand for me, to take control of my life. If I don't do this now, I may lose my courage.
Will you come with me? I invite you to peek inside my private life, to see behind the walls, to seek out the unseen, the unspoken. Some of what you experience in my life will amuse you, some will leave you with more questions, but I assure you, you will not be disappointed.
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